Tuesday, May 11, 2010

It's so worth it

Earlier this evening I got pretty frustrated as I was unable to locate my tin of knitting needles. I grabbed a few moments to rummage around where things got stashed for a recent visit from grandma and grandpa, but was unsuccesful, and besieged by screaming infant and toddler I gave up.

On occasions like this I sometimes imagine I will get to whatever task or activity after the kids go to bed, (unlikely in the extreme since I usually can't even get free hand while marathon nursing all evening...) or I might be honest with myself and accept that whatever it is that I wanted to do probably just isn't going to happen, and then possibly get kinda bummed about how tough it is dealing with everything little kids bring. if I'm honest I'd have to say I get bummed about the "not being able to..." kind of often, but it's sort of a background annoyance, not something I can really think about in detail while jostling a fussy baby and wiping poop. Sometimes though, maybe after too many teethgrinding occasions, I feel a little teeny tiny bit of resentment. (I know, I know, horrid mommy!) I get mad at the kids for being such pains in the butt, I get mad that my husband gets to have "time off" and not be the go-to super needed all the time by everyone parent, I wonder to myself if I should stop trying to get "any" time to work on my own things, etc, etc.

I get mad for a bit, hopefully, get some rest and have a better next day. Hopefully getting closer to being the kind of mom I want to be, rather than the short tempered grouchy mom I feel like sometimes. (you know, the happy earth mothery, quiet, gentle, resourceful, playful, get the idea?)

Anyway, I think it's probably pretty normal to get pissed off at the constant (well, usually constant) barage of poop (literal and figurative) and after some deep breaths (& possibly a little shouting) I acknowledge that this sucks, is not fair, and I will get through it, the kids are only little for such a short time, we will manage. At that point of course things seem less bleak but still not especially glowing and positive.

Luckily, with some frequency there are moments that confirm all of the unpleasantness is essentially fleeting, and the wonderful cuddly lovey baby hugs and kisses totally overwhelm the screeching quarreling abbrasive preventing me from knitting or anything else kind of days. Little things that I want to record so we can look back in years to come at how sweet our kids have always been. (and it might help to get over it faster when I am pissed at them!) So here are a few: today Maggie proclaimed Ben "durable" (adorable) and constantly hugs and kisses him. She demands cuddles, as though to remind me to take time to enjoy the sweet moments. The "sank you" in her singsong toddler voice for a hug or glass of water makes me smile every time. Ben has started giving me huge toothless grins as he wakes up next to me, his whole face lights up, and then mine does as well. (and what cute dimples!) Sophia is intent on being the best helper (in competition with Maggie of course) and gives me little speeches about how she loves me and daddy and Maggie and Ben. She says she wants nothing more in the world than to "match" me, and be a mommy just like me. (we will apparently be mommies together when she is a grownup, and share clothes and shoes!) And then there are always the pictures of the sweet moments that help most of all. :-)

So really it's ok that I've had to tap all this out one handed on my phone while trapped under two sweaty kids. All I have to do in this instant of frustration is gaze down and be overwhelmed with their preciousness. And maybe I'll even get a shower later if I can slip out from under them! (knitting will wait until another day.)



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